For the brave, and the bored...THE WHOLE...DAMN...STORY10:03 Mar 27 2006
Times Read: 940
Late last night, still reeling over the days events, I pulled a card from my Angels Deck. It said, "Retreat". In other words, it was telling me to relax, chill and regain my strength, recuperate. I had already planned to do that, but to see it right there in my face, was quite impressive. I am good with the tarot though. I have been asked to go back to that on my Reiki Master friend's site. She is a psychic as well, and thinks of me highly. She also wants me to be a contact in this state for a group of ghost hunters, and share my input, knowledge and findings with her and her friends, site.
Soo...I am not really sure where to begin. I am exhausted from the whole fucking ordeal and what an ordeal it was...still is. I am talking about the change from Admin to Inoclast, or whatever I am now. It would have been cool to be at Sire. Sure feels like I should have been, after all the exertion exerted these 6 months.
I will start with my decision. For those of you that do not know why I made my decision, I will explain. I realize this may seem dramatic to some. I am not normally a drama queen. But it seems my good name is being shit on, and I feel inclined to explain a few things, though really, I need not. I know I am a good person. The people that know me genuinely, know I am a good person and those that do not, do not know me or are too low on the ameba scale to fathom. So whatever. Do I sound angry? I am...but really, when you break anger down, it is actually hurt that we are feeling. So, let us just say I am hurt. So who cares that I am hurt? I dunno. Human beings would. But I don't expect much anymore from some. I thought I would be disappointing others, but instead was disappointed myself.
So in September, I am made Admin. La la la, it was nice! =) I was fine. I was determined to make my friend Cancer proud! I felt bad that he had been disappointed in the past by people and let down. I wanted to be different for him. I felt I was doing a great job. I was well received by fellow Admins.
Then there was much work to be done on the House stuff. The Crest, the planning, the mark, the mascot! I thought hard on all of this. It was important to do it right, because I had been placed in a honorable position by my friend Cancer. I took that very much to heart. In addition to the planning of the House stuff, we had to start picking people for our House. Only 1 or 2 at first, then 5 or so, then 15, then a few more, suddenly it was 100, and make it quick because the Houses were going to open and our House mates would be picked for us if we didn't. So, I read....and I read.....and I read....one after another, after another, after another of the profiles, day after day, after day....night after night....well, you get it. This process was exhausting. I read approximately 4,000 profiles on here. There were so many with major dysfunctions, cutters, depressives, angrys, idiots, and just plain negativity and darkness. All of that made a huge cloud of such destruction and anxiety, in addition to the pressure of getting it right and fast. I picked the best I could, with people of morals, integrity, and as light as I could find. By then I really, really needed it. I had very little sleep, days upon days. I was too worried about missing out on what I was supposed to do. Houses opened and my new House Family wanted to know then, what was coming next, what was in store. What's in store? Um....? Hell if I know! Cancer never told me there was more to do, "in store"! Huh? So the stress of that was there. Now he did mention once to me, about having help. But I had no idea of what to do next. I practically begged him to tell me what to do. He said he didn't want to interfere with our Houses. I appreciated that and that was all cool, but, "WHAT DO I DO?!". ha....My spirit guides whispered in my ear about that time, "Topics Council". Oh yes, that is a wonderful idea! I will have different topics that everyone can cover once a month, and they will post this in our home forum and we will talk about it. But not just vamp stuff, but light stuff and things of real importance, such as our lives, spirituality, and being kind to people, life lessons, things of a deep nature.
The Topic Council went over well and everyone started volunteering for a topic. So that was great, and this was in December when the Houses opened.
Then the panic attacks started, and in great force. I hadn't had them like that in 10 years. They were vicious and I was confused as to why they were hitting me and now. ? I thought I had already passed these major ones, coming so often. I had to start taking my Xanax daily again, and lots of it, when a big attack came on, which for awhile, was every day. I was so scared that I wouldn't be able to stop it. That is when I started on the Light path for Eternal very intensely.
I realized, after so much inner thought, that I was horribly out of balance. The dark was too heavy from Rave, with all that dysfunction, and I was desperate to find the light in everything...to balance myself again. I knew I needed it. I realized that I was changing, and my panic attacks were external evidence of it. Growth, if I will do the work. I am always looking for meaning and spiritual meaning in things, because that is what life is. We are spirits having a human experience. We had a very nice little group, with great and warm people that cared about one another, and that is how I run things at home, in the real world. Warm and with love, respect and guidance. Isn't that the way the world should be? Yes, it should. It was that way a mere 40-50 years ago? What happened? What makes it ok to show gore everywhere, to be so overtly sexual, showing your asshole to the world? How is it ok to beat the shit out of someone on TV or wherever and for people to see this and it is ok? That is not ok. And we have a responsibility to stop that, or to turn away from it, or to not be that. We have to not go with the negative flow that says it's ok to be ok with that. It takes an evolved person I guess to go against the bullshit. I know you are out there!
After months of the House being opened, I was not feeling any lighter and the anxiety was still present. I thought I would be able to just chill and not take it so seriously. But I couldn't do it any other way. Regardless of how hard it was to be there, I was there every night except weekends. I gave myself weekends. But I was determined to not let Cancer down, and so I would go to Rave, and stay and take care of the House, and Admin duties. I wasn't able to be on my pc beyond that. I stopped talking to friends on Rave and IM. I stopped creating art pictures. I stopped being a light person. I decided that I was not going to be able to change. I was too serious about my commitment to Cancer, and not wanting to let my House mates down. By then, they were like my children.
You see, I am not the type to merely come here, casually tend to the House and Admin business and simply log out, forgetting all that had transpired here. No, not I. No, it went with me, all of what comes with this place, and I could not let go of it, the good, the bad and the ugly. Why is it that we remember so much of the ugly? Anyway, it was with me, 24/7, everywhere I went. I could not relax, I could not forget, I could not leave this place behind. I took it way too much to heart and what and who I was responsible for. Now, this sounds heavy and maybe too much. Sure, I wish I could be like some people can be, logging off and walking away, leaving the issues of Rave behind. I was really trying to lighten up and just be carefree about it all. I could not, though. I did make much progress though. I am quite good at that...persistant self help. ;)
So I sent my letter of resignation March 14th. I waited and waited for a reply. Oh it was horrible, the wait! I waited on pins and needles for the ball to drop on me after Cancer read my email! But a reply did not come. I didn't know what to do. Do I send another or wait? A week later I sent him a message on Rave, asking him to check his email, because I really didn't want to send another. He checked it and wrote back that he had just read it, and said that I had to do what I had to do, and that I shouldn't feel sorry. So I asked myself, "So...does he not care about what I do or is it that he is understanding?". I don't know. I didn't ask. But he said that he appreciated me coming to him and telling him rather than not doing my job and him having to replace me. I was glad to hear that. =)
Cancer asked that I not tell the public, and that would imply my House as well. I really wanted to tell them because I felt they deserved to know, and needed to know, so they could get used to the change before it happens. See, that is what I would want done with me. Someone caring about my feelings, and treating me with respect. I am a human being, as we all are here. We are not simply html codes here, or make believe. We are real people on the other end of the pc, human beings! We are friends, sisters and brothers, grandparents, mothers and fathers here! So fucking be nice people! Jeez! I shouldn't have to tell people that. Didn't your parents teach you that?!
Out of my respect and caring for Cancer, I did not tell the public. I told him that I was telling a select few though, which was some of my House Assistants, and Admins. I held on to the secret of coming change for days. We had talked on Monday and I had to be quiet about it. It was hard, and I was wondering how I would tell my "children" before the chaos hits. I saw what happened in the Madah House, I know shit will hit. So I was really looking out for my friends.
About Thursday....Batchyld writes me and tells me that she is my replacement. I also talked to Yendor that night, later. He told me about the agreement he and Batchyld had worked out that evening. Apparently they had been talking for quite awhile that night. I had noticed that there had been a lot of new people inducted into the House all of a sudden. I wondered what the deal was. He said that the agreement was this: She would take down her Coven, and send all of her people to House Eternal, and we would keep them safe in there, and not trade them out to other Houses. That way she would have her people with her in Eternal and would not have to send them out into Rave. In exchange for that, Yendor could have everyone he wants to go with him to his new Coven that wanted to go. Even though I was not consulted on this, I thought it sounded like a good idea and so I was fine with it. Everyone would be getting what they wanted and everyone would be a whole lot happier in a sticky situation.
The next day I start getting people writing me asking what the deal was with Batchyld asking if they wanted to stay or go. I hadn't even gotten to tell them yet and all of a sudden they are getting asked if they wanted to stay in the House. I was upset about this. I had been asked to keep quiet about the whole thing, but nobody else had to? I was confused and upset because I had really been needing to talk to the House all that week...but did not as per Cancer's request and my respect for him.
During Friday and Saturday, Batchyld and I spoke back and forth about what I was doing, meaning, I told her I was going to be taking my friends and if they want to come back to Eternal, that is absolutely fine. I was told that Ivory, for instance was wanting to stay in Eternal, and I was shocked. So I asked her personally and she was surprised to hear someone speaking for her and said no, she wanted to go. I really don't like go betweens. It loses something in translation, so I much more prefer straight forward, no bullshit talking, as long as it's considerate. I think that can be done. ?
I had even saw that nobodysfallenangel was in our House now but wasn't sure if that was because she had been sent from Batchyld's Coven or if she happened to just come aboard the Eternal House. So I asked Batchyld and she said nfa was hers, and I said that was fine and left her alone. I told Batchyld that I knew how important it was to have your people with you. She agreed and told me thank you for asking.
Now, when I left late Friday night/early Saturday morning, Yendor was still waiting on an OK from Cancer to start the Coven, which was basically a refugee camp for Eternalees. I had a horrible time trying to sleep! I layed awake and kept thinking of the impending change over. I kept checking to see if my status had been zapped, but no. Finally around 10am Saturday morning, I was able to fall asleep.
Around 4pm I was logged back into Rave. I checked messages first, as I always do. There were all these upset messages from panicked House Eternal mates about why they were kicked out of the House they loved so much? And that made ME panic! All of the transition shit had started and without me. I knew this was the time to tell the House and move the people. But I needed to find Yendor and Ventrue to talk to and help. I first wrote Cancer and asked if I could finally tell my House! Yes, I could finally do that. But apparently, most of them knew already, which makes me look like a complete asshole for not telling them. But due to my word, I did not.
So I wrote Ventrue and was livid. I was panicked. My House had started being dismantled and I should have been there. I was supposed to be there. I had an obligation to those people to watch out for them and to keep them in a safety zone. Now they don't know what's happening or what is going to hit them. That is not what I am about.
Imagine you have a child....or something so important to you. You have vowed to keep it safe. Then you can no longer keep this going, but you are passing it to another to keep. If suddenly this important something is ripped apart and disregarded, you would be upset, yes? It may sound silly and dramatic. And like I said, I am not normally this way, but this had a big lead up, and became quite intense.
I had a short window to do what I needed to do. So I wrote the House in our Forum and told them how sorry I was, and how I would miss them, with my hopes and wishes for them to remain in the light of life. I also told them that Batchyld has promised to send them to Yendor's Coven if they want (or wherever, didn't matter), but they needed to hurry and get with Batchyld, so that she could get this over with.
So I told Yendor and Ventrue the people to take over. They had already traded with Batchyld while I was in bed that day. Again, I should have been there. We sent some of our closest friends over, including my daughter. We spent hours to get these people to "safety". To us, it was saving them and keeping them from as little grief and sorrow as possible, making this as smooth as we could, this uncomfortable situation. This was our intention. And since it had already been agreed upon by both sides, we were only fulfilling our end.
Meanwhile I told Batchyld what I was doing. She said a few of my people wanted to stay, that she had talked to them. Since they were friends of mine, I wanted to be sure, personally. I just don't like go betweens and since there had been a miscommunication concerning another friend, Ivory already, I needed to talk to them. So I talked to one, and he wanted to stay a hamp vamp. ha....which was completely fine with me. I have no problem whatsoever. I just wanted to make sure he was fine with it. See, in my House, I let them stay or let them go, no problem....except darkstorm. He was such a trouble maker. I had him stay juuuuuuust a bit longer and THEN sent him along.
Batchyld was fine with what we were doing, but was anxious for me to get it over with so she could get into her new position. After we transferred a few people, probably a dozen, give or take a few, I wrote Cancer and told him I thought I was done. It was hard to push send. But I did and not long after, Batchyld was in position.
Now not long after that, I noticed a message from Cancer that he had sent earlier that day, apparently. He said he did not like it that some of our members were going to Yendor's Coven and for free. It seemed he was not told of the agreement that Yendor and Batchyld made days before. So I explained the situation. I thought that would end that. No, the next day, I got another one.
From: Cancer
Date: 22:55:44 - Mar 25 2006
Jamie, this is WRONG.
A post made to Yendor's Coven by Ivory:
We (Coven Master Yendor and the house assistants) realize some of you are
likely surprised to find yourself in a new place. I can assure you that you were
each chosen carefully and are wanted here very much. ♥
With change comes confusion and a time of adjustment. We hope to make the
transition as painless as possible and hope you enjoy being here as much as you
did Eternal.
House Eternal was looted... Pure and simple. I am considering removing Yendor's
Coven.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So when I got this, I was confused. Ok, so we took in her people for her. We held them safe. I could have easily traded them to other Houses, and I was approached for them all. But I did not. I said, "No, I am sorry, but we have an agreement with Batchyld...", and explained it, yet again, and to another. Apparently there is some miscommunication going on.
I had not been back to the House today. I didn't want to. I couldn't. But then I was informed that I was "blinded" in Eternal now. I was told that nobodysfallenangel had blinded me because I had "looted and disrespected" Batchyld! Now what the fuck is THAT all about? How the hell did I do that? All I did was do what I was told, and now, I am getting shit from all sides. Talk about being disgusted with the human race. I think I deserve a few apologies, actually. And "looted" was Cancer's word....what's up with that?
I wrote Batchyld and asked why I was blinded? She said something about me being blinded because she was trying to save me the heartache of going to the House forum and seeing all of our light and spiritual posts deleted. I told her that I thought that blinding me was quite an aggressive move against me. Hell, all it does is make me more of a martyr than I already am. Good thing crucifixions aren't still going on, though you'd think they were here on Rave.
I wrote Cancer again and explained again about the agreement they had made days before.
"
I am sorry you feel that way. I was only going by what they had agreed upon, which to me, sounded like the most fair, each person keeping their own people. After all, I started and made Eternal what it is, from nothing. ?
When I arrived yesterday, I found that things had started without me. I was very upset because I felt it was my responsibility to 1. tell the House even though someone else was already telling them. 2. To help everyone get what they wanted and to where they all wanted.
In my heart, that was the best to do. Since I saw them as my children, so to speak, and in my "care", I felt I had a responsibility to them, as they trusted me. Don't you feel Rave is your "child"? When Yendor and Batchyld told me individually of their agreement, I was like, "Well it makes sense to me and everyone gets what they want.".
Course, if you have a problem with it, it is your decision, of course. It is your pad. =) My letter was a last letter, telling of the agreement and how things got a bit leaked, and how I was sorry about that. Beyond my control. I was pissed because I had not told my House, as per your request, but others did. Again, beyond my control. My letter was also to let them know, that I was told that they could leave if they wanted to. Some want to stay. Some of our most favored people stayed because of the Eternal name and how it was home.
I guess I can be accused of caring too much about others and their feelings.
Someone told me recently, "Do what you must do.". =)
Have a great day!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I found another message from him later where he had decided to put all members back in House Eternal and let Yendor and Batchyld sort it out....which, after I thought about, is pretty much what had taken place BEFORE all of this shit hit the fan. I am glad that part is over anyway.
Looking back to yesterday, when I was trying to desperately to help everyone, I am not sure if I would have done it differently. But, I mean, while I was on my pc, I was neglecting Danny, on the one day off we had together, after all week of work and Rave stress. We had a vicious fight about it and didn't speak all night. In addition to all the stress, and anxiety of House transfers and saving and negotiations, I had that horrible fight, to add to my despair. Too bad too, because we had planned all week to go ghost hunting. Nope, nadda.
So...this is a long and drawn out story. You may not have finished it. It may seem silly. It may piss you off. I hope not, but that is your prerogative. All this is, is an explanation. And it is the last one. We are all doing what we can, with what we have to work with. We are all doing the best we can. I am not an idiot. I am not weak. I am not invincible. I am simply a person that cares, and tried to pass it on. So here, I am passing it on...=)
Namaste...
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